dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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