I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
