tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
