If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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