Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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