You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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