Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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