I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
