I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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