I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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