The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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