I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
