Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
