I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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