we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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