I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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