There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize