Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
