is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
