mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is my gift to your gina
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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