How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
