I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
