I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
