For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
