Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
