my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
