i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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