Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
