I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize