Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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