need another drink. this is the easiest way
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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