my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
