Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
