Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
