some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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