So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
