I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
