It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
