I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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