Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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