What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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