my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
