The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
