Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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