I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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