Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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