Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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