he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
