if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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