That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh god it's open bar.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
