Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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