A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
