It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize