He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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