That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
