How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
