The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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