We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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