My first STD was from a foam party
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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