he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
