I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
