I cannot find my penis.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
