Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize