Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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