The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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